When it comes to the female orgasm, years upon years of misguided research has left a lot of young women and men with more answers than questions. It should come as no surprise that most of that research came from men who based it upon their male-centric assumptions.
However academic the background of those men might have been, it's very likely they ignored female input in their research. Thus, their conclusions were far from painting an accurate picture of what the female orgasm really requires.
You can even picture it yourself, can't you? Some Victorian doctor frantically scribbling notes while dismissing whatever the female subject of his research might have to tell him about it. Of course, doctors always know better. Male doctors even more, right? Wrong!
They couldn't even get the name right for a long, long time. See, vaginal orgasm might not necessarily be real!
Vaginal Orgasm According to the (Mis)Understanding of One Sexologist
Shocker, right? Well, instead of focusing if the term 'vaginal orgasm' is real or not, let's just say it's rather inaccurate.
The term 'vaginal intercourse' came into the modern lexicon at the hand of one Doctor Sigmund Freud. Many people know him as the father of modern psychoanalysis. However, you can also argue that he is the first modern sexologist as well. Just not a very good one when it came to female sexology (and how could he, really).
However great his work in shedding light on the mysteries of the human mind is (some even put that into question), he was less than stellar when it came to female sexuality.
The long-short of it is that, for Freud, there were two types of female orgasms: 'vaginal orgasm' and 'clitoral orgasm.' For him, the former was for adult women, meaning the real female orgasm. The latter, he disregarded as childish and not worthy of attention.
The audacity! Keep in mind that Dr. Freud was obviously a man and, therefore, had no idea of how any of those feelings. Luckily, we are now in a more open society where communication is easier than ever.
As such, lots of women, you know, the people that experience female orgasms in the first place, do speak their mind. As a result, we have tons of anecdotal evidence we can draw from and compare to the 'official' sexology orthodoxy. The results are astounding enough to almost redefine what we officially understood as female orgasm.
What Is a Vaginal Orgasm Anyway?
Put it in the most simplified way, vaginal orgasm it's the orgasm women achieve during vaginal penetration. Shocking, right? The gist of the concept is that the penetrating object or member, be it a penis or sex toy, sexually stimulates them until climax.
This happens due to the never endings located all over the vaginal walls, which reside inside of the vulva. During penetration, the constant contact and friction against the walls stimulate these nerve endings.
Hence, it causes you to feel pleasure. But how much pleasure? Well, for some women, apparently, not enough. Yes, some women do not actually get off from vaginal penetration alone. It's simply not stimulating enough for them to actually reach orgasm. But why is that?
Well, first of all, an orgasm is not all physical.
What Does It Really Take for Women to Reach Orgasm?
After Dr. Freud's rather skewed perceptions took hold, it took some time for new people to challenge them. However, some eventually did. Sexologists like Kinsey, Johnson, Masters, and Heidi told another story through their research.
Through extensive physiological experiments along with interviews and surveys with the subjects of the experiment before and after, they painted a cleaner, much different picture than Dr. Freud.
Reading through their separate body research makes it clear that female orgasm takes more than just physical motion. Rather, the fuel for orgasms also draws from the psychological realm in the sense that women need to be stimulated into a certain headspace as well.
Even more interesting, repeatedly, their research body concluded that stimulation of the clitoris was paramount for many subjects that managed to reach orgasm. They could observe just as much during their experiments as well.
Subjects that reported orgasming through clitoral stimulation often have accelerated heartbeats, blushed skin, and experienced spasms. All signs of genuine sexual climaxing. This was a far cry from the conclusion of Dr. Freud; it practically pointed at the opposite of what he proposed.
But what is the reason behind this? Not so long ago, we came upon the find of just how many nerve endings, the things that make you sensitive enough to feel pleasure during sex, are in the clitoris. The number is at least 8,000 nerve endings.
For comparison, there are around 4,000 in the penis, so it's safe to say that the clitoris is very, very sensitive. Thus, if stimulated right, sexually acting upon it can feel really, really good. Hence, why women can achieve orgasm easily by simply having their clitoris rubbed either by their partner during sex or by themselves.
‘Vaginal Orgasm’ vs ‘Clitoral Orgasm’
Also, as a point of comparison between the so-called 'vaginal orgasm' and 'clitoral orgasm', the vaginal walls also have fewer nerve endings. Moreover, most of the nerve endings within the vaginal walls are on the first inch of the vaginal cavity near the entrance.
Deeper in and there are notably much sparse in concentration. Hence, why doing deeper might not feel necessarily more stimulating. There are muscles that can contract when stimulated and which can feel good during penetration. However, the stimulation levels cannot hope to match the simple act of rubbing the clitoris.
The sheer concentration of nerve endings in a single, conveniently tiny place also adds to the easiness with which clitoral orgasm happens versus vaginal orgasm.
The Clitoris: What is Behind Clitoral Orgasm?
Why is the clitoris so quintessential for the female orgasm? Well, you can actually say that it was built solely for that purpose, and you would not be wrong. As of the time of this writing, modern biology has not found a single other purpose the clitoris has as an orgasm.
It's quite literally a feel-good button, if we can call it that (yes, we can). While most would think that the clitoris is solely that tiny bump on the top of the vulva, that is not true. That is only the visible part of it, known appropriately as the clitoral head.
Besides the hood of flesh that more or less covers in its entirety, called the clitoral hood, by the way, there are the clitoral legs. Also known as the clitoral crus (legs in Latin), these are two internally located 'flaps' of erectile tissue. Each 'leg' runs down the head of the clitoris and wraps around the vestibular bulbs, which themselves cover the vaginal opening.
The Clitoris and The Penis Do Have a Lot in Common, and You Better Know It
When looking at a diagram of the clitoris as a whole, you can clearly see that it's somewhat reminiscent of a penis and testicles. Albeit on a much smaller, compact scale.
The clitoral head mirrors the penile gland, and both the clitoral crus and bulbs sort of hang to the sides as testicles would, albeit obviously much slimmer. More importantly, erectile tissue comprises both of them.
Meaning, your clitoris actually gets erect when you are sexually aroused, just like a man's penis would. It might be difficult to notice first because due to its location, you can't exactly see yours yourself, and two because so many partners neglect it or even ignore its existence altogether (this has to be a deal-breaker for you, for real).
However, if your partner is thoughtful enough to stimulate it or you do it yourself, you can sense how it engorges progressively as you grow aroused.
The similarities must come as no surprise since the clitoris is actually homologous to the penis when it comes to sexual function. Yes, ladies. Men are more like us than previously thought. However, you would be forgiven for not knowing just by looking at them.
Does Length Matter?
While men are hilariously self-conscious about the length of their junk, which they need not be given what we just said about nerve endings inside the vagina, the length might also matter to women. Length of the distance between the clitoral head and the opening of the vagina, that is.
The height of the clitoris, as it were, might play a bit of a role in the chances you might orgasm from intercourse. It's only a hypothesis so far, but amounts of anecdotal evidence might mean there's something.
In short, in a study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10 out of 30 women sampled said they had difficulty reaching orgasm. However, it just so happens that those 10 women happened to have their clitoral head located farther away from the vaginal opening than average.
For reference, the distance should be slightly less than an inch or less than 2.5 centimeters between the two. These women, however, had their slightly farther away. If we were to correlate that with their difficulties in having an orgasm, we could infer interesting things.
Mainly that vaginal orgasm might be the result of the motion of the male genitalia reaching up to the clitoral head enough to physically stimulate it. Hence, the farther the clitoral head is, the less likely it is for it to receive physical stimulation from intercourse alone.
Just a theory for now but an interesting one nonetheless. But now, unto what the actual science says these days.
The Current Scientific View on How Attainable is a Vaginal Orgasm
Depressingly enough, not having an orgasm is the norm for most women, according to most self-reported research. However, the good news is that it does not seem to have a big impact on their lives. Meaning that they can live without it; however, we are sure having them might make their lives more fun.
According to the U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey, almost one-quarter of women sampled reported not having had an orgasm when with a partner in the past 12 months. God, that is depressing.
Meanwhile, 10-15% of women reported never having had an orgasm (hope they are lying). Lastly, 10%-15% also reported rarely having an orgasm. Thus, around 30% of women in the U.S. are not having orgasms during sex regularly or even at all.
What This Means for You as a Woman
If you are not able to achieve orgasms regularly or have a very hard time doing so, rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you. There are a lot of women that go through the same thing. You are not defective or weird in any way whatsoever.
When specifically referring to sex with a partner, do not expect them to do all the work. They are not gonna magically carry you up to peak orgasm down in pleasure land just like that. You are more responsible for your own orgasms than you think.
Lastly, however, we have to underscore that obsessively pursuing or rushing things toward achieving climax can do the opposite. When it comes to sex, it's always better to go with the flow and let it run its course. Rushing in with a partner might scare the other party and, when by yourself, might make the whole experience feel mechanical, thus, diminishing the pleasure from it.
What Can You Do About Those Hard-to-Get Orgasms?
There's a lot you can do to change your situation. Having an orgasm involves much more than the mechanical act of sex. Lots of factors that you are probably not aware of or do not know the importance of.
Thus, by taking action on them, you are more than likely to be able to achieve an orgasm in the best way possible for you personally.
Relax
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yes, for the third time, psychology is important. Specifically, the current headspace you are at when engaging in sexual activity.
When it comes to what prevents them from enjoying sex, one repeated answer in sampled women during research was 'exhaustion'. Having a draining day by day might certainly put anybody off 'putting out' the sheer physical effort that sex demands.
Another two common answers were: being stressed out about things unrelated to sex and not enough vaginal lubrication. You know, not being wet down there.
Thus, in order to have an orgasm, you need to both physically and mentally relax so you can thoroughly enjoy the experience.
Relaxing physically is rather easy if you find yourself sexually aroused. Most women's bodies are receptive to positive sexual stimuli even if they are not quite there mentally yet. It's sort of an involuntarily bodily response that it's hard to control. The main physical signal of this arousal would be vaginal lubrication.
On the psychological side, things do get more complex. First of all, it's important that you do not feel any sense of shame or guilt about sex.
If you have in any way developed a negative stigma around having sex purely for pleasure, be it for a religious or social reason, you need to stop that. As discussed early, psychology does play a large role in it.
As such, feeling guilty about seeking sexual satisfaction can largely prevent you from attaining it in most situations. Do not be ashamed of having sexual desires that you wish to fulfill, whether through sex with a partner or through masturbation. Sex it's a physiological need, and although you are not likely to die from lack of it, your life can be significantly more fun thanks to it.
Another thing that you need to look out for is operational anxiety. That is a fancy term for worrying excessively about your performance in a specific situation, like, say, sex. There are a lot of women that can rather easily orgasm on their own when masturbating.
Things, however, turn out to come harder when it's time to have sex with a partner. The reason for this is that they are likely very concerned about what their partner thinks of them. How attractive they look, how well they perform, should they act this way or that way, etc.
Those kinds of worries can take you out of the lovemaking act since you are inside your head contemplating rather than acting. So, what can you do? Simple.
Stop thinking about it! Don't be self-conscious at all, and, more importantly, do not be afraid of pursuing the kind of sex you want to have. It's much more likely that your partner, if chosen right, would be more than happy to join you in that uninhibited passion play. In short, live in the moment when making love.
When Vaginal Lubrication Is Not Enough
Some women's bodies have a harder time producing enough lubrication to guarantee painless sex. Not to worry, though. Lube oil for sex is more than likely readily available at your nearest drug store or a sex shop.
There are a lot of varieties and brands out there. The only thing to keep in mind when choosing whatever lube you want for a sexual encounter it's for it to be water-based.
Petroleum-based lube oils are not suitable for sex since they are likely to cause irritation. Quite the opposite of the effect you would want the lube to have on you, honestly. Don't feel ashamed if you ever need to use external lubrication during sex. Lube oil can significantly enhance your sexual experience.
A Couple of Things You Can Actually Do During Sex to Reach That Vaginal Orgasm
If there is one phrase that could summarize the advice, we are about to give you, it would be:
'You are in charge of your own orgasms'
This is to say that women should not expect their partner to already know or guest what they like and need in order to reach an orgasm. It might come as a shock to some, but you actually do more than just like on your back (or whichever position you prefer) and let the other party do all the work.
Effectively 'guiding' your partner across your body and all those pleasures hotspots you are dying for they to stimulate for you can change your entire sex life.
When it comes to heterosexual women, it is rather common for them to complain that men do not know how to touch them. They are very 'mechanical' that they don't even care about being affectionate during sex and that they just kind of just want to get on with it right away.
If those men do not know the mood, the kind of foreplay, and intercourse that you like, well, you know, you can just show them. It's not a mood killer in any way to take some seconds in the middle of things to show them and guide them around your body. Quite the opposite, this is likely the thing that is going to make your sex life better.
Remember, sex is a dance of two people. You might dance well enough on your own, but you also need a partner who can dust it off well with you. And just like dancing, it might take some practice together to get there.
When It Comes to Foreplay
Men do get a particularly bad rap when it comes to foreplay, as in, they often don't care for it. That is a huge issue, but it can happen with any partner you have not shown your way yet.
When we talk about foreplay, we are talking about how to caress, which parts to stroke, and where to kiss and lick. These are all just things that are intrinsic to you as a person. If you don't know your body, don't be afraid to explore it.
That is to say that you need to have a clear knowledge of how you like to be touched in order to teach someone else that. The best way to know that is, of course, masturbation.
That is why self-love and making love are intrinsically linked for women, no matter what societal prejudices say. The more you know your body and what you like, the easier it will be to tell someone else how to please you.
Don't be afraid to tell them or, better yet, show them how you like things. Grab their hand and show them where and how they would better serve you.
However, do not fear exploring together with a partner on the spot. They might have some ideas you have not considered on your own. It's a great bonding activity that combines both fun and pleasure.
Finding The Right Spot and Focusing on It
Likely the most important part of acceding a vaginal orgasm has to be hitting the right spot. Continuously so.
When we talk about hitting it, we mean that during penetration, your partner manages to find that one spot that makes you go 'YES!' and move in on it. When we say move, we mean everything: the speed, power, and angle of the thrusting motion.
Where exactly is that spot going to be and how hard they will need to thrust towards it to get you there, I can't tell you. This is another of those things that you will need to figure out on your own since it's different for every person. Again, don't ever be afraid to experiment together.
One thing that I can tell you is that when it comes to positions, missionary and side-lying seem to be the top choice for vaginal orgasms. Alternatively, some women that are rather sensitive to deep penetration do prefer doggy.
In both cases, remember that clitoral stimulation seems to play a crucial part in vaginal orgasm as well. As such, you can manually stimulate your clitoris with your own hand during intercourse or guide your partner to do it with theirs.
If you feel your clitoris receiving stimulation during penetration alone, pulling back the clitoral hood might increase it even more. In any case, exploring even more positions and styles together is always the best way to go about things.
If Man Don't Expect Them to Last Long
This one is exclusively for the fellas out there, and it's not to dish out on them whatsoever. However, it is a fact that the average length of time for vaginal intercourse rests between five to six minutes.
Yes, more men can only take as long as five or six minutes top inside your vaginal walls, ladies. That is not to say all men, but the numbers reported by heterosexual women consistently paint this as the case.
As such, don't go at it with high expectations of them putting on a stellar performance inside you all night long. If you do, you are likely to come out disappointed that they came up so short (or is it 'so fast'?).
The good news is that, as we said before, vaginal orgasm it's not where it's at. Clitoral orgasms are the actual way to go, and the good thing about the clitoris it's that it's easy to stimulate.
Your partner would not even need to use their time-sensitive time bomb of a penis to stimulate it (although they certainly could). The fact that it's easier and more pleasurable to manually stimulate the clitoris than the vagina means that you can even do it yourself if so needed. Might even want to add a couple of carefully selected, high-quality sex toys specially designed to get the job done .
